Titus' 'Lemonade' Parody Lyrics From 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt' Season 3 Might Leave You In Tears

Posted by Mittie Cheatwood on Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Question: what's better than one Lemonade parody on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? That's easy; the answer is: three Lemonade parodies on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! Fans of the Netflix comedy knew a riff on Beyoncé's popular "Hold Up" video was coming when it was heavily touted in the promos for Season 3. But what they didn't know was that, when they tuned in to the new batch of episodes, they would be treated to not just one Queen Bey-esque music video — but a trifecta of hilarious spoofs featuring the incomparable Titus Andromedon. And Titus' Lemonade parody lyrics will certainly leave you in tears… of joy, and even perhaps sadness.

The only bad news is that viewers had to wait a whole episode to see the epic Lemonade send-up that was promised in the promos. Titus' Beyoncé impersonation doesn't bear fruit until Episode 2, which means the premiere is a drought for thirsty fans. Fortunately, the second half-hour is like a nice, refreshing glass of — you guessed it — lemonade, starting with Titus' fierce strut down the street in Beyoncé's recognizable yellow dress.

We've known for a long time that Kimmy's roommate was a talented singer, thanks to vignettes like his Lion King audition and the infamous "Peeno Noir." But these three parodies take things to a whole new level. (Netflix has not released official lyrics, so these may not be 100 percent accurate.)

"Hold Up"

The first and longest sequence — titled "Furiosity" — is a full recreation of Beyoncé's "Hold Up" video, from the introduction in a submerged bedroom through the frolicking in the streets all the way to the car-bashing finale.

I tried to change. To be… sweeter. Prettier. Less… gassy. I slept on a cot next to a towel shaped like a swan wearing my sunglasses and plugged my seasick portal with pages from the Holy Book. But all the while… are you cheating on me?Hell no, I ain't playing with you, MichaelUh-uh, I'm not fooling with you, MichaelBack up! I ain't playing with you, MeatballMichael, I'm not playing with you, MeatballSomething don't taste right, cause it ain't rightLike when you take a sip of water and it turns out to be SpriteI know your secret, and now I regret ever helping you out your closetIs this what I deserve? I took you at your wordYou know I'm not too feminine to cut me up a nerdWhat's worse? Being heartbroke or roach bit?Heartbroke or roach bit?Or like, seeing you in your outfit? I gave you that outfitI'd rather be roach bitHell no, I ain't playing with you, MichaelUh-uh, I'm not fooling with you, MichaelFor real, I ain't playing with you, MichaelMichael, I'm not playing with you, MeatballImagine for a moment that you never came on outTo yourself, still on the shelf, still had that dartboard in your houseNever made it out of Queens, still out there playing all them sportsNever had the flyest tenor in the choir up in your shor-or-ortsWould dudes be into you? NopeThem gays would spoof on you, goof on youI know that opposites attractSo I find you and fix your hairHell no, I ain't playing with you, MichaelUh-uh, I'm not fooling with you, MeatballFor real, I ain't playing with you, MikeyMichael, I am angry with you, whoa-oah!It's such a shame you let this meerkat go to wasteI always keep it nice-nice-no-fuss, grind-his-owies on the busLike, where's my feet? You rub my feet, and then we watch a cop-type show

"Sorry"

The shortest sequence — titled "Whatevers" — is a spoof on the spoken word beginning of the "Sorry" video… although it sadly gets cut off by Mikey knocking at the door before Titus can launch into the actual song itself.

What will you say at my funeral, now that you've killed me? Here lies Titus, stepmother to my lizards, both living and dead? His heaven will be a grand piano full of baked potatoes. Ashes to ashes, dust to... jerfs. I don't curr. I don't curr! Why should I curr? Guido, nah.

"All Night"

Beyoncé's song about true love gets the Titus treatment at the very end of the episode — complete with the boldly patterned dress worn while wandering among tall grass.

I kicked you in the air so high, from my nest into the skyBroke my wings so you could fly, baby gay bird, I said goodbyeI loved you like a Patti LaBelle pie, so sweet and flaky I could crySometimes pop songs don't really rhyme, this will sound fine to your mindTrue love is harder and true love is more work than pleasureYou lose what you have and then pray it comes back to you betterThen run from the dentist cause hell no you're not eating zoodlesTitus is great Titus is the best Titus is growingTitus is great Titus is the best Titus is learning about…True love, whoa-oah, true love is exhaustingTrue love, whoa-oah, true love…So let this painful year go byAnd if your love for me doesn't dieI’ll find you in the night like a fireflyBye, Mikey Politano

I'm not crying, you're crying. Here's hoping that Titus and Mikey manage to reconcile sooner rather than later! I can't stand seeing them apart…

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